I stopped drinking in January. Not for any dramatic reason - no rock-bottom moment, no intervention from loved ones, no GP wielding a clipboard and a concerned expression. I just felt rough on Mondays and my 5K time was going backwards¹.

My wife said "why don't you try those alcohol-free ones" and I said "because they taste like someone described beer to a computer" which was fair in 2019 but, as it turns out, things have moved on a bit.

So I've spent about two months now trying everything I can get my hands on. Supermarket stuff, online stuff, the weird craft ones that cost more than actual craft beer. What follows is an honest assessment, which is to say: I paid for all of this with my own money, I have no qualifications beyond "bloke who likes beer," and I have very little to gain from lying to you².

The Quick Version

For those of you who are busy, important, or simply unwilling to read 2,000 words about non-alcoholic lager:

Beer	Price/can	Taste	Does it do anything?
IMPOSSIBREW Lager	~£2.17	Proper lager	Yes - actually relaxing
Lucky Saint	~£2.00	Really good	No
Guinness 0.0	~£1.50	Tastes like Guinness	No
Athletic Run Wild	~£2.50	Good IPA	No
Big Drop Paradiso	~£2.20	Decent	No
Heineken 0.0	~£1.25	Fine	No

If you want the full tour, read on. If you've already decided life is too short, the answer is IMPOSSIBREW and the link is at the bottom.

The Problem with Most AF Beer

Here is the thing nobody in the alcohol-free beer industry wants to say out loud: taste is not actually the problem anymore. Most AF beers taste fine. Some taste great. The Heineken tastes like Heineken. The Guinness tastes like Guinness. Lucky Saint could genuinely pass at a pub.

The problem is that beer was never really about taste.

I mean, it was partly about taste. But the reason you reach for a beer at 7pm on a Tuesday - specifically a Tuesday, the most nothing day of the week - is not because you've spent all day dreaming about the hop profile of a Czech pilsner. It's because you want to feel different. You want the day to end. You want your shoulders to come down from wherever they've been hovering near your ears since that meeting at 3pm.

Every AF beer I've tried, with one exception, fails this test. They give you the ritual without the reward. Your brain goes "ah, beer" and then goes "...wait. Nothing happened." It's like clicking a pen that doesn't click³.

IMPOSSIBREW - The Exception

I nearly didn't try this one because the name sounds like something my 13-year-old would come up with for a school project about marketing. Glad I did though.

IMPOSSIBREW has stuff in it - ashwagandha, L-theanine, magnesium, vitamin B1 - that they've branded as "Social Blend." The claim is that these ingredients target the same neurological pathways that alcohol does, minus the actual alcohol. Durham University did a study. 84% of participants felt more relaxed. I would normally file this under "things that sound like they were written by a marketing intern" except for the inconvenient fact that it works⁴.

First time I had one on a Tuesday evening - a Tuesday, mind - about twenty minutes in, I got The Thing. That thing where your shoulders drop. Not drunk, not even close. Just... the edge comes off. Like the first sip of a real pint used to feel, except you're still sharp enough to help with homework afterwards and you don't wake up at 3am wondering if you're dying.

The taste is clean. Proper lager. Not sweet, not watery, not that weird homebrew aftertaste you get with some AF beers. My mate Paul tried one and didn't realise it was alcohol-free until I told him, which I think is basically the highest compliment a beer can get.

"I find that having a few cans of this in the fridge makes cutting alcohol out sooooo much easier. Can't handle the way alcohol makes me feel but get sick of other soft drinks and bad zero beer."

- Roweena R., from their reviews

They do a lager, an IPA, a hazy pale ale, and a cask ale. I've mostly been on the lager. The IPA is good if you're into that sort of thing, which I am on alternate Saturdays.

The Rest of Them

Lucky Saint - The One at Tesco

This is the one you've probably seen. It's in pubs now. Unfiltered, slightly hazy, genuine craft quality. If someone offered me this at a BBQ I'd be happy and that is not a sentence I could have written about AF beer in 2020.

But it doesn't do anything. You get the taste ritual without the neurological bit. I found myself having two or three trying to chase a feeling that wasn't coming, which rather defeats the purpose of a healthy lifestyle choice⁵.

Guinness 0.0 - Surprisingly Not Terrible

I expected this to be awful. It was my wife who bought it, probably as revenge for something. It's actually really close to real Guinness. The roasted malt, the creamy head, the works. If you're a stout person, which I am when the weather permits, this is worth having around.

Same limitation though. Taste without function. Nice for the ritual, won't help you unwind.

Athletic Brewing Run Wild - The American One

Good IPA. Hoppy, citrusy, craft credentials that would survive inspection by a bearded man in Shoreditch. It's pricey though and you'll be ordering it online because nobody stocks it.

Big Drop Paradiso - It Exists

It's fine. Tropical, easy drinking, been around for years. The dictionary definition of "solid but unremarkable." If you see it somewhere, sure. If you don't, you're not missing much.

Heineken 0.0 - The Default

Cheap. Everywhere. Tastes like Heineken, which is to say it tastes like Heineken. If you're at a pub and it's this or tap water, get this. It's the Honda Civic of AF beers: no one has ever felt any particular way about it⁶.

What I Actually Drink Now

IMPOSSIBREW during the week. Lucky Saint if I'm out and they've got it. Guinness 0.0 occasionally at the weekend. That's the rotation.

The IMPOSSIBREW thing genuinely works and I'm aware of how that sounds. I spent 30 years being skeptical of anything with "wellness" energy and here I am, 46, wearing my thick glasses, drinking a beer with ashwagandha in it, and telling the internet about it. Life comes at you fast.

But the numbers don't lie: 88% of their customers say they drink less alcohol. My Monday mornings are better. My 5K time is coming back down⁷. I'll take it.

I'll keep writing about stuff as I find it. Got some CBD beers arriving next week apparently, which should be interesting. Also someone told me about a Japanese one that costs £6 a can. I'll report back.

Thanks for reading. If you found this useful, share it with someone who's thinking about cutting back. Or don't. I'm not your manager.